My List of Bitchin' Resolutions for 2020: Oh, Yeah, Oh, Yeah!

Among the mayhem of impeachment and blame and Medicare for all and abolishing student debt and climate change and the Green New Deal, and lots more including my life as a stroke survivor which has lots of mayhem, there is one constant: New Year resolutions, the promises you make to yourself that by the end of 2020, you will do all on the list. Promises made to yourself, at least in my point of view, shouldn't be broken. 

So here is my list, and I will try to accomplish them all.

1.  I vow to do something now in 2020--a favor, for example--without expecting something in return. The opposite is, I'll do this in exchange for you doing that. That's called quid pro quo. You might have seen it on the recent news shows in regard to President Trump where he said he'll give Ukraine the money in exchange for digging up some juicy dirt on his opponent. I'd venture to take a guess that all presidents are guilty of quid pro quo at least once in their tenure. But I digress.

2.  I see a notable difference with how I was post stroke 10 years ago and now. If I wait in the doctor's office too long, I'm ok with it. If I wait in the bank line too long, I'm ok with it. If the restaurant takes a table for two ahead of me, I'm ok with it. So I want to continue being patient until, well, you know.

3.  It took me 6 months to join a band, and then I did as a keyboard player. I'm the only one who plays keyboard so it turned out that I was a welcome addition. But I promise myself to join other things, like political groups and meet-ups!

 

4.  I'm going to make a concerted effort to save more money this year. I went over the budget for entertainment and food, areas that I can control, and there's definitely room to cut corners. It's a question of wants and needs. I'm going to the latter increasingly more often.

5.  As a stroke survivor, there are limitations on exactly what I can do. I can't do any floor exercises for the simple fact that I can't stand up after I do them. But I can do my stationary recumbent bicycle and take walks, albeit slowly. Anything that gets the muscles moving, according to Katie, my Physical Therapist. So as a result, I am losing weight. Recently in the last 6 months, I am a vegetarian now (in fact, practically vegan but I eat fish every other day to keep up my protein level which took a dive) so I plan to lose more weight instead of extra baggage.

6.  My iPhone 6 needs a portable charger now to operate. Even though I won't get an upgrade until it dies, I use it too much. I vow to use it less and wait until I'm home to not research things like what does Matthew McConaughey's wife look like or how many calories are in kale when I don't have any intention of eating it or when did Princess Diana die. These are all "I can wait" questions.

 7.  I'm writing my third book, a fiction, which is out of my comfort zone. But that's the reason I'm doing it. I like a challenge. I get to it less than I'd like, busying myself with a movie or another book in my growing collection, but in 2020, I'm going to finish it.

8.  Once in a while, while I'm in the wheelchair, and go to the store or a doctor's office, if I ask a question, the person talks to my assistant rather than cast her eyes lower and talk to me. Call it a pet peeve, but when anybody does that, I'll interrupt and say, "Talk to me. I'm sitting right here." At first, they're startled, and look at me as if I have two heads, but when I explain the perils of being lower than everybody else, they get it. I'm still doing it, 10 years post stroke because I do it for me and all the other wheelchair-bound people, to educate them, one person at a time. I've written about the invisibility of it all several times in my blog, The Tales of a Stroke Patient and More. I vow it won't stop.

9.  I promise I won't "sleep in" anymore. My schedule Monday to Friday is I have an assistant who is fabulous, and helps with the chores and acts as a driver if need to go to the store, for example, and comes at 10. I move slower now and prepare myself for the day at 7:30. But my Circadian Rhythms get disrupted on the weekends from "sleeping in." So my goal in 2020 is that I'll get ready for the day no matter which day it is. 

10. Before you can love others, you have to love yourself. And I made it. Finally, I'm there! I'm not perfect--nobody is--but I know I'll keep working on the flaws I have. Digression, poor-timed spontaneity, and bad decisions are inching closer behind me.  

So Merry Christmas or a joyous Hanukah and Happy New Year. That's all for 2019, and may you find peace and happiness in the year ahead. And keep reading! Plans to stop writing the blog? Heh, heh. Not even on a bad day. My first blog in the new year is all about brain fog. Stay tuned!

Stroke and Gut: There's a Connection, aka I Had a Stroke Before They Really Knew

I have a sensitive stomach, and ever since my stroke, more sensitive, which I didn't think was possible. With the holiday season upon us, I wanted to know WHY! In other words, is there a connection between stroke and gut?

Harvard researchers found stomach problems could be linked to after-stroke stress. In fact, the gastrointestinal (GI) tract is sensitive to anxiety, anger, depression, and sadness, too (all of which I've had post-stroke), and it can trigger symptoms in the gut. Therefore, the brain reflects what the GI system feels. Stress is the worst, the researchers concluded. (Fun fact: I used to consider giving a stressful TED talk about stroke; I'm not anymore). 

In an article called "A Hidden Factor in Stroke Severity: The Microbes in Your Gut" by Jordana Cepelewicz, she talks about a new study in mice which demonstrates that manipulating the microbiome [the genetic material of all the microbes - bacteria, fungi, protozoa and viruses - that live on and inside the human body] can influence the extent of brain damage caused by a stroke. 

A study involving mice, published this week in Nature Medicine, argues that striking the correct microbial balance could prompt changes in the immune system that would be likely to reduce brain damage after a stroke.

Researchers at Weill Cornell Medical College and Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center wanted to find out whether they could shift the balance of these cells to favor beneficial cells by meddling with the mouse bacteria. 

So one group’s intestinal makeup was resistant to antibiotics and the other group bacteria was susceptible to treatment. When the latter group was given a combination of antibiotics over the course of two weeks, the microbes underwent change. Then the researchers obstructed the cerebral arteries, inducing an ischemic stroke [the most common type of stroke]. They discovered that the resultant brain damage was 60 percent smaller in the drug-susceptible mice.

Finally and painstakingly, the researchers took the colons of mice that had ischemic stroke and transplanted to new mice with no antibiotics, thus establishing a group with finagled gut bacteria but no drug exposure, and discovering that these mice had also acquired protection against stroke. 

“These cells determine what kind of inflammatory immune response the brain is going to experience after stroke,” says neurologist Constantino Iadecola, director of the Brain and Mind Research Institute at Weill Cornell and one of the study’s authors. “Immune cells end up helping out instead of contributing to the damage that occurs."

A mouse’s genetic material is quite different from that of a human, and researchers will need clinical data, but at least they're trying.

"This is just the beginning,” says Ulrich Dirnagl, a neurologist at the Center for Stroke Research Berlin who read the results. “The study links the microbiota and the immune system and the brain in stroke—an acute brain disorder—in one story. That’s really novel." 

That it is, Dr. Dirnagl. That it is.

From the Journal of Digestive Diseases Foundation, a study was done to emphasize the GI problems that happen with stroke survivors which is directly associated with their quality of life. 

Stroke patients were evaluated for common gastrointestinal symptoms including type and site of stroke admitted over an 18-month period with symptoms of vomiting, dysphagia (difficulty swallowing), constipation, masticatory difficulties (including the muscles of the lips and tongue and the vascular and nervous systems supplying these tissues), and sialorrhea (drooling or excessive salivation), among others. 

There was no significant difference in GI symptoms in either sex, site or type of stroke, except that constipation and incomplete evacuation were commoner in ischemic stroke. 

The American Academy of Neurology says that people who have GI bleeding after stroke are more likely to die or become severely disabled than stroke survivors with no GI bleeding.

“This is an important finding since there are effective medications to reduce gastric acid that can lead to upper gastrointestinal bleeding,” said study author Martin O’Donnell, MB, of McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario. “More research will be needed to determine whether this is a viable strategy to improve outcomes after stroke in high-risk patients.”

The study focused on 6,853 people who had ischemic strokes, and of those, 829 people died during their hospital stay and 1,374 died within six months after the stroke.

A total of 100 people had gastrointestinal bleeding while they were in the hospital. In more than half of the cases, the GI bleeding occurred in people who had less severe strokes. Of those with GI bleeding, 46 percent had died within six months, compared to 20 percent of those without GI bleeding. 

The study was supported by the Canadian Stroke Network, the Ontario Ministry of Health and Long-term Care, the Canadian Institutes of Health Research, the Institute for Clinical Evaluative Sciences, and the University Health Network Women’s Health Program in Toronto.

Patients with ischemic or hemorrhagic stroke are at risk for systemic complications, says the National Institutes of Health. No study to date has addressed causes of gastrointestinal hemorrhage in stroke, but the researchers intuitively assign the bleeding to stress ulcers. The study focused on 17 patients with gastrointestinal bleeding after stroke which is rarely severe and may not contribute significantly to mortality. 

Hmm. So the two latter studies contradict each other on mortality, but studies are like that: if you want to prove a point, do a study. But one thing is for sure: GI bleeding, or any other bleeding, for that matter, is not good. And when you have a stroke, it's really not good. 

In my mind, I wonder whether for the ones that died abused their bodies through excessive alcohol use or they ate cholesterol-rich fast food pre-stroke or it was a case of hospital errors. Who knows. Neither of the studies addressed that issue. Whatever the case, if you're a sufferer of GI bleeding, depending on the origin of the bleed, and if there's no other option, surgical intervention may be appropriate.

I'm reminded of the famous quote:

Into each life some rain must fall. 

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

And this is my quote:

Sometimes, life is a torrential downpour. With a stroke, life becomes a never-ending tsunami. 

Stroke Survivors: Stay Away--Mayhem, Mishaps, and Murder on Black Friday

I usually write a post about Black Friday this time of year, the marked up and then seemingly discounted products that everyone goes searching for in the malls and stand-alone stores. People are trampled to death, with their bodies stepped on repeatedly that happens in the prodigious crowd. The workers lose any semblance of their "thanksgiving" and the shopping frenzy makes the greedy buyers do what they wouldn't do at any other time of year--mayhem, mishaps, and murder. 

Look at this chart from The Hustle dating from 2006 to 2018:

We don't have this year's numbers, but I bet it follows the same trend, with Walmart having the most notorious amounts of injuries and deaths. 

Cyber Monday doesn't have those problems. This year, more holiday shopping will be done online than in the store. The injury and death count for Cyber Monday? Zero. Fuck Jeff Bezos who doesn't pay a decent living wage to his workers, but as a handicapped person, I'm a hypocritical fan of Amazon Prime.  

Black Friday is no place for the disabled. If you've already gone to stand in those inordinate lines and came out alive and are disabled, good for you. You got lucky. 

Hey! I've got an idea. If you like confrontation which Black Friday already is, why don't you go to a protest instead. Stand up for the Green New Deal, climate change, free college, Medicare for all, healthy drinking water, and there's always somebody who thinks the opposite. At least, if you obey the cops and stay on your side of the "line," everybody wins. 

Warfarin: A Blood Thinner and Rat Poison Shouldn't Be in the Same Sentence

I got a brain bleed 13 years ago and I wasn't supposed to live. I had Protein S Deficiency that gave me blood clots and didn't know it for over half my lifetime until I was diagnosed with a hemorrhagic stroke. The neurosurgeon didn't operate because the chance that I would have survived the operation was zero, having thick and plentiful clots in every extremity. Instead, I was put on Warfarin, another name for Coumadin, and here I am, a decade later.  

A little background first. The only restrictions with Warfarin are too much Vitamin K intake, like lots of kale, broccoli, or leafy green vegetables. The most important thing with Warfarin is to stay consistent. By staying consistent, the doctor knows how much Warfarin to give me through a prothrombin time (PT), a test used to detect a bleeding or clotting disorder and the international normalized ratio (INR) used to monitor how well the blood-thinning medication called anticoagulant is working. I take blood tests frequently and I am stable. 

So how could Warfarin, the wonder drug, and Warfarin, the rodent poison, be related? 

A long time ago, in the late 1920s, the cattle and sheep in North America and Canada were dying from fatal bleeding, blamed on mouldy silage, (a method used to maintain the pasture for cows and sheep to eat later and stored in the silos when natural pasture isn't beneficial, like in the dry season).

The cattle and sheep had grazed on sweet clover, a kind of hay. Hemorrhaging occurred usually when the climate was damp and the hay had become moldy. Tough times in the 1920s meant that farmers could not afford a replacement, so the hemorrhagic disease became known as "sweet clover disease."

There were only 2 solutions, according to veterinary surgeons: destroying the moldy hay and having a replacement or transfusing fresh blood into the bleeding animals which was called "plasma prothrombin defect."  

But everything comes down to money, and even though the farmers were told not to feed the moldy hay, they did not follow the recommendation, and sweet clover disease remained, even a decade later. 

By 1940, Karl Link, a biochemist, and his colleagues came upon a natural substance called coumarin, better known as dicoumarol from the sweet clover and was used as an anticoagulant, albeit an iffy one. The work was fully financed by the Wisconsin Alumni Research Foundation (WARF), who were given the patent for dicoumarol in 1941. 

But in 1945, knowing that dicoumarol was a lengthy process in thinning the blood, Link considered using the coumarin derivative Warfarin as a rodenticide which had the reverse effect--slow bleeding until the little suckers bit the dust. Bleeding in who-cares-about-rodents fit the bill, and the compound was named Warfarin after the funding agency. It was marketed in 1948 as a rodenticide, and warfarin still exists today as both a rodent killer and a blood thinner. 

In 1954, Warfarin became known as the go-to anticoagulant under the trade name Coumadin, and was approved for use in humans and, of course, rodents. But in humans, when there was still too much bleeding, Vitamin K foods reversed the effect. And too much Vitamin K led to clots. That is why I have to stay in the INR range of 2 to 3 when I get tested--above 3 could lead to bleeding and I have to take more Vitamin K; under 2 could lead to blood clots so I have to decrease my Vitamin  K. Thus, I get tested every other week.

The mechanism of Warfarin was not discovered until 1978, when John W. Suttie and colleagues, in an "Aha moment," proved that Warfarin alters Vitamin K by slowing down the enzyme epoxide reductase, known as VKOR, which is highly sensitive to Warfarin, the most commonly prescribed anticoagulant. 

There it is, folks, as easily as I could say it. My trademark is, Know a little bit about a lot of stuff and you'll get by fine.

A Christian Inspires a Jew to Believe in God Once Again

I wrote this short piece for the newsletter that’s coming. But I  decided to share it with all of you, my loyal readers worldwide. For a little more than 8 years after I had my stroke, I lost faith in God. Why, dear God, did you let that happen to me? I asked repeatedly, begging, imploring.

But then I heard Clem Suder talk about his faith in my online support group and especially his Live at 5 on Facebook, and something clicked as if God was speaking to him. Clem is a Christian and a veteran who has a brain injury; I am a Jew who has never served and had a stroke. But we share the brain injury and God. You are witnessing the outcome here in my writing this statement:

Fact: Having a stroke is not a good thing. I got mine from Protein S Deficiency. Others got theirs from too much fatty foods or too high blood pressure or smoking or diabetes or something else completely unknown to them. Whatever the reason, it turns your life around, and your family's life, too, because you're a different person now. Depressed? Frustrated? Low self esteem? I get it because I know as a stroke survivor, and depending on the severity, you may have many more reasons to give up. Or die.

But here's something, after 10 years, I learned about myself. As the years went on, I am more compassionate, wanting to donate to causes when I don't have much money left at all. I am more easy going now, letting things go with the flow, which is new to  me, having worked many jobs where the pressure was too much to bear. And the most important thing now in the after effects of the stroke (and trust me, there are after effects) is when I do good for other people, I don't expect anything in return. No quid pro quo, as the expression goes. 

So I am a better person now as I approach the end of the tunnel. And yes, for all the mistakes I made in the past--like cursing, hissy fits, and gossiping--I am turning my life around for the better. I hope when the Judgement Day comes, He'll see it that way.

And while I have your attention, please contribute, even a dollar makes a difference, to the campaign I started in GoFundMe.com for Clem as me, the editor. Clem produced a video book and now, he wants to take those same words and publish it in book form. He has seen Heaven, and Hell in both a metaphoric and real sense. You can search for Clem by typing “Clem veteran” on GoFundMe and you will see his image,  asking for support in publishing his book. Thanks for whatever you can do.

Can Hypnosis Improve Me as a Stroke Survivor to the Point Where I Could Abandon My Cane? Read What the Hypnotists Told ME!

I had this idea because I'm desperate to get better faster. I'm in the same holding pattern for almost a year. Sad to say, I've plateaued. But could I get better? No one will give me a definitive answer because no one has a crystal ball--my own current physical therapist least of all! Hypnosis, I thought, to make the muscles go beyond where they currently are, in order to make me walk again without the assistance of my 4-legged cane! 

I'm not going off topic, but this is something that needs to be said from the top. I'm from Philadelphia, home of the cheesesteak and soft pretzels. Other places I visited are known for other things, like New York is known for its pizza. Florida is known for its big bugs and DisneyWorld. Maine is known for its lobsters. But Southeast Portland, where I am now, is filled with all kinds of storefronts and buildings I just didn't see in other places, like a lot of, an inordinate amount of, Natural Remedies and Acupuncture run by naturopaths and Hypnosis run mostly by psychologists (or those purporting). Portland is the land of possibilities. Not guarantees, mind you, but a whole bunch of probable maybes.

I made an appointment with someone whose card reads: Whole Individual Counseling: Counseling the Array of Self Growth. Hoo, boy! (Another Philadelphia expression, at least I always say it). Anything goes in Portland. 

I'm going to paraphrase what he told me, scribbled down right after I left, and the words in brackets are what I thought to myself. Here's the paraphrased conversation from the counselor:

This is one thing that might [operative word here] help: I can give you a recording that you may listen to on a daily basis, and you can imagine your legs and arms moving with your eyes closed. [No talk of hypnosis yet]. Unlike the movies where a hypnotist gets somebody to do unlikely things, the thing that might work for you is listen to the recording several times a day. [No talk  of hypnosis still]. With your eyes closed, imagine moving your thumb. [I didn't, of course. My arm has been dead for 10 years]. He asked how long I went to physical therapy as the session was ending, and I said, Off and on for 10 years. [So the typical physical therapy was the fallback. And then the session was a minute from ending]. You might try a clinical psychologist. [I asked, but he didn't recommend one]. 

So I tried three "clinical psychologists" who advertised their sessions as such, and they all said, more or less, the same thing: Hypnosis can only control what you're able to do physically. [To say it another way, I can't do most shit]. Hypnosis can help with anger management, insomnia, phobias, and fears but not walking cane-less.

So with that hypnosis idea ended, I imagined ways to stay happy yet challenged. Aside from writing which, in itself, is challenging to the hilt, I love being alive and, come to think of it, life is a challenge, too. 

A Brain-Injured Guy, Who's Also a Veteran Named Clem, Needs a Volunteer to Transcribe

Clem Suder, presently 68 years old, was just an ordinary guy and a veteran, supporting his family and working hard as a regional operations manager. Fourteen years ago, he started to not feel so well in the middle of the night, and began to go downstairs to the kitchen where he stored all the medication. 

Suddenly, he toppled over and fell down a complete flight of stairs. His son found him 24 hours later. As a result of that fall, he got a traumatic brain injury (TBI), with severe memory issues, but you would never know. He looks fine on the outside, which goes to prove the old adage, Disability comes in many forms. 

By his own admission, Clem was, at first, fearful to talk about what he had witnessed. "People would think I'm crazy." 

Clem says, "This book, Playing with God, is my witness to what God has shown me in my body, mind and spirit. It is my witness to our Father, the Creator of all. In order to understand, see it through the spirit's eye and the heart's beats. It is for this reason the media has been ruining itself and yourself so you will not believe what you see with your own eyes. They are trying to convince you to not believe what you see."

That last part from the New Testament deserves an  explanation. As Clem said: "The city from heaven is what will be it is important because it shows that this is not the only room and that all of God's children will be reunited. It triggers the second resurrection because of the fear that many face. A thousand years earlier the temple that lies in the street for three days is the second witness, and He will rise even though the people rejoiced at his death thinking they have killed their accuser. It is upon his raising from the dead that the first resurrection is triggered because then he goes to his Father and is given the scroll and breaks the seventh seal. 

"In essence, it brings hell to earth for all those who seek to be apart and refuse to acknowledge God. It is important that people see for themselves. What was written so long ago will happen, as it says, and there are several descriptions of what people saw as the end of days. 

"Each has validity, but I only together will it be true, no one may know the time or the day, but you can see all of the things needed for it to occur. This is one of the primary reasons I have been a witness today. It will permanently remove the past and the fear which is what will allow for all of God's people to be together."

Before I met Clem, Daniel, the co-founder of the group Strokefocus, first began calling me five years ago because of my blog, The Tales of a Stroke Patient and More, and said that he was forming a group of stroke and other TBI survivors. I assured him I did want to join. That group included Clem, aside from a whole bunch of wonderful people, and I didn't know of his intentions to write a book until three years later.

It was a video book, on Facebook, where a steady stream of followers watched him deliver a total of eight chapters of Playing with God every Tuesday and Thursday until the eighth and final chapter. (He also runs Live at Five 3 days a week to talk about doing the right things, no matter what denomination you are). I call him the Prophet because of what he saw and did about it. 

On my Timeline from Facebook, the eight spoken chapters are there. Clem is a gentle, soft-spoken soul, and he speaks with such conviction that I restored my belief in God because of Clem which I lost when I had the stroke 10 years ago. 

But Clem is not done. He wants an actual "book" book with the same title, Playing with God. I offered to edit the book for which Clem was appreciative, but I am asking my readership around the world if someone will volunteer to put Clem's words on paper, i.e. transcribe what Clem has spoken and then send them to me in an email. The average length of each of the eight chapters is 45 minutes. You will be given name credit for transcribing aside from doing a wonderful deed to help Clem.  

As the editor, you can write to me--hcwriter@gmail.com--or if you have Facebook, you can write me a private message to show your interest. 

Thanks to you, whomever you may be, for assisting with this effort. 

My Meditation Journal of Headspace.com: It Helps Stroke Survivors Like Me with Anxiety, Frustration, and Possibly Even Depression

About a year ago, I started armchair yoga in which, no surprise there, I was meditating in the chair. But slowly, after 10 sessions, I quit because I couldn't do some of the "moves" as a stroke survivor. But I always thought that meditation was the way to go until my son suggested Headspace, a meditation forum. 

This is what Headspace promises to do: 

"The life-changing skills of meditation in just a few minutes a day with Headspace. Find hundreds of sessions on physical health, personal growth, stress management, and anxiety relief. They are all designed to help you stress less, focus more, and feel better. Download Headspace to meditate anywhere, anytime, and start living a healthier, happier life."

So Headspace was it and I kept a journal of my experiences. I went through it once as a participant, and then I went through it again and wrote the journal because I had to keep my eyes closed about 80% or more most of the time. And no, I'm not getting anything like money from Headspace. Just a fan is all. 

Headspace has over 1,000,000 users and it's free for just the tryout. It cost me $95.88 minus $23.97 for a one-year subscription through retailmenot.com's discounted code.

Click here: https://www.retailmenot.com/view/headspace.comu=YYOW7IXZXJFYXOETYAVD4C4QMY

Headspace is moderated by someone I'll call M (for  Moderator). He has an even, British or Australian voice which is both soothing and inviting. 

I'll give you my opinion on whether Headspace was worth it after my journal. 

Meditation in 10-minute intervals per session: Basics 1

Day 1

With my eyes closed, the moderator (whom I will refer to, again, as M) suggested inhaling and exhaling while peeking to see how much time had gone by. I was so relaxed that after the 10-minute session, I fell asleep on the sofa for 2 hours.

Day 2

Before long, M told me to close my eyes as I counted my breaths which should come to around 10 with the inhale-exhale. M said I should travel along my body and see if the outsides or insides of my feet felt more or less pressure, and the heaviness of my arms letting thoughts in my brain achieve comfort. I peeked again. Then the last minute, M said to open my eyes and let the brain be my focus once again. I still haven't mastered the rhythm.

Day 3

With eyes closed, M began with my "looking" in my mind at traffic when I came to a stop. No peeking, I decided. M then focused on my body, scanning it, and keeping feet on floor, and by the third minute, I was in a self-induced trance, letting his voice soothe me. I listened to him to regain focus and then opened my eyes. I believe that meditation helps, but I’m not convinced yet.

Day 4

Always the breathing—in with my nose, out with my mouth. During this session, M allowed more time to let the mind wander, and it did. I heard from an old friend Robyn who says she is taking a trip to Alaska via a cruise, and I went from there to how hard it is to pack for a cruise. And then M interrupted my thoughts and said to go back to the body. He asked how I felt compared to the first session. Different indeed. I could control the mind better to things, and then to revert to the body, which happened several times.

Day 5

M began with we overthink the process of meditation, and it delays it. Instead, enjoy the feeling of pausing to catch your breath and balance. Once again, M told me to breath and count the breaths, and lose focus by letting my mind do whatever it wants, and then regaining focus, as a sort of good mind control.

Day 6

M said I have to be comfortable in the space around me. Breathing in through the nose, out through the mouth and count the breaths. Then close my eyes until you get to ten and then start over. It became easier to count the breaths. I believe this was the longest stretch of breathing, but by now, it was almost second nature. The operative word here is "almost."

Day 7

M suggested watching a mind video. The video was of a person with clouds forming, until those terrifying clouds produced rain. The session continued with my picturing blue sky all around me. Again, counting breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Focus on the body. Scan the aches. It’s become easier now to get into the swing of those sessions, without peeking until it was time to open my eyes. I feel good after a 10-minute session, and have not a bit of anxiety. I’ve already decided that my day will go well.

Day 8

M said to sit comfortably, feet on the floor, an often refrain by now. After I got to breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, I was told to scan down the bod, and after, let the mind do what it wants. Then I was told to focus on the body and scan again. I opened my eyes on command and M reminded me of the mind’s ability to be at peace. The mind is at peace when I finished the session.

Day 9

This session started the same as all the others, but this time he told us to notice the sounds around us without passing judgment. He reminded us that the body strengthens on the inhale and gets soft on the exhale. I didn’t think about that before. He had us scan a couple of times—head to toe—and then let the mind be non-judgmental. M had me open my eyes, and this exercise, which was beneficial, taught me that I do have control over the mind. Day 9 was a breakthrough session. I HAVE CONTROL!

Day 10

Again the blue sky analogy. Each day is a new chance to practice mindfulness and feel happier and healthier. Be aware of the environment with eyes closed. Basics helps me to get more clarity and calmness into my life. Maybe it is the power of suggestion, but I didn’t freak out with anger in the past 10 days and I had many opportunities to do just that. Personally, I think meditation and me are going to get along just fine. 

Meditation in 15-minute intervals: Basics 2

Day 11

This session was devoted to my own feelings and those feelings of those around me in an attempt to get us to see that meditation doesn’t just affect me. It affects everyone around me, too. M had me scan the body and listen to the sounds around me and then go back to the mind and concentrate. Then let the mind do whatever it wants and bring myself back to focus, all of which was an attempt to have control over my mind.

Day 12

Much the the same, but I can control the mind better, letting the mind do whatever it wants to do, and then bring the attention back to the body. I feel happy today after this meditation because I finally realize that I have control.

Day 13

Sometimes, we all feel like we have to do something else to make us truly happy, but that’s not necessarily true. I’m happy right now knowing I can control the brain--anxiety, most obsessive-compulsive behaviors (as related to anxiety), frustration gone, during the session and throughout the day. M said the same thing—noticing when I started and how I feel now. 

Day 14

Longer spaces to breathe, and then counting my breaths. M said to let the mind go, and then bring the focus back to the body. About halfway through, M said to picture blue skies, and I did until I opened my eyes at the end. It was a good session because, once again, I controlled the mind.

Day 15

The mind is restless, but I know how to control it now. Blue skies and bringing the mind back to the body. Then M said to allow the mind to go free, experiencing the senses, and ultimately bring the mind back to the body. Again, there was more time to let me practice control. 

Day 16

M, as always, start with breathing—in through the nose, and out with the mouth. I didn’t realize it, after a while, that I didn’t feel the chair around me until he said be aware of the chair at the final comments. Well spent 15 minutes.

Day 17

Restlessness, sleepiness, agitation completely gone. No resistance to sounds M wants me to hear. Deep breaths then returning to normal breathing with closing the eyelids and scanning again. It's beneficial for me and those around me, M said. Count the breaths, but watch each one. Notice the differences. I let the mind do whatever it wants to do and didn't feel the physical contact with the chair. Opening my eyes, M said meditation is a journey. I cannot disagree.

Day 18

M started off with feeling the weight of the body and feeling the resistance. Breathing again and soon normal breathing. M told me to acknowledge any strong, obvious motion. Scan the body. Recognize those around me as well as myself. More familiar rhythm with counting breaths. Resist any pain in the body. Then let the mind be completely free to do whatever it wants to do and followed by refocus to the body. Comfort comes when you acknowledge the pain. And it did.

Day 19

Obstacles arise, and one of the more obvious is daydreams. Mind wandering can be overcome by bringing the attention back to the body. Create distance, almost as if I'm looking at my body apart from myself. Scan the body. Count breaths. Notice the rise and fall with breaths. Come back to the body. Notice any sounds, and reflect back on thoughts--maybe pleasant, maybe not. Thoughts can be enjoyable, but if we let the mind wander whenever it wants, we miss opportunities to be mindful.

Day 20

From a technical point of view, it makes the mind more flexible. Experience the weight of the body. Notice sounds. Then bring the attention back to the body. Scan down the body. Count the breaths. Feelings come and go, noticing if there is any sense of resistance. Let the mind wander off and then bring the focus back to the body. Apply these skills to everyday life.

Meditation in 20-minute intervals: Basics 3

Day 21

There’s a way to tame the mind. Be present. Be aware of physical sensations and sounds. Scan the body, noticing any discomfort. Take a moment for motivation and the impact for me and others. Be aware of the rising and falling in natural rhythm. Count the breaths. If you find that a distraction occurs, focus on each breath. Rising and falling, said M, with each breath and bringing the mind back to the body. Then let the mind do whatever it wants to do. Bring the attention back to the body and into the awareness. 

Day 22

The more I do this meditation, the more natural it would be, the easier it translates to everyday life. Deep breaths and then regular breathing. The physical senses are becoming more familiar in the space around me. Check in with the body. Scan down from head to toe. Notice if there’s any mood or emotion that’s especially obvious right now while silently counting the breaths. M said to let the mind do whatever it wants to do, complete freedom for the mind, then revert the mind back to the body. Observe the weight of the body. Continue the exercise throughout the day. It's all right if I fail. I'll just resume.

Day 23

M says to take breaths, in the same fashion, conscious of the space around me just settling in. Attention back to the body. Scan down the body, not lingering in order to become more aware. Let the mind go free and then back to the body—an exercise in controlling the mind. Notice how each breath was different from the last. Let the mind wander again, and then bring it back to the body. Notice the physical sensation and the space around me. Jog my memory to be aware during the day. 

Day 24

M told me that it doesn’t matter where I am. I can take long breaths without drawing attention. Then he started with taking deep breaths. Then close my eyes while becoming more aware of the weight of the body and sounds around. Scan down through the body for both comfort and discomfort. Start to notice any strong moods or emotions and any motivation including those around me. Then bring the attention back to the body, noticing how every breath is slightly different. I hear the sounds of the busy street, but they don’t bother me anymore. Count the breaths. Let go and give the mind all the space it wants. And then attention back to the body. The session was a particularly good one. 

Day 25

Another way to integrate meditation in your life is smell of food or atmosphere. Close the eyes and feel the weight of the body pressing down. Start to notice any emotion particularly strong right now. Scan down and remind myself why I'm doing it, for myself and those people around me. Maintain that focus and count your breaths. If any distraction, bring the attention back to the body. Let go of any focus and permit the mind to be free. And then bring the attention back to the body and feeling the weight of the body and noticing all the senses around me.

Day 26

M reminded that you can do meditation during the day, turning it into a way of living, becoming more aware of the sounds around you. Check in with the body and scan down, noticing how the body feels and any strong emotions. Understand the mind clearly to me and those around me. Bring the attention back to the body, more aware of the rising and falling sensation. Count the breaths. The moment I realize that the mind is being distracted, bring my attention back to the body. And now letting it go and give the mind space to do whatever it wants. Bring the attention back to the body, noticing my feet on the floor and sounds. Gently open my eyes, maintaining my posture with quality of awareness instead of immediately jumping up.

Day 27

If you’re like most people, you spend so much time lost in thought. Breathe and watch the rise and fall of the body. Settle in and notice sounds around me, how the body feels by scanning down. Continue down toward the feet, being aware of how the body feels and the emotional as well, being aware of the movement of breath, and the motivation and the relationships in my life. Let go of any thinking and where in the body I feel that rhythm. Count the breaths until 10, and start over again. The moment I realize I'm being distracted, bring the attention back to the body. No need to concentrate, letting the mind do whatever it wants to do. And then bring attention back to the body, the weight of the body and sounds transitioning. Be aware of sitting to standing, standing to sitting, because even though it seems automatic, we often forget to be mindful of those actions.

Day 28

I need to be present in the automatic movement of standing and sitting, taking deep breaths and closing my eyes, separating the different physical senses. Scan down through the body, becoming more aware. Take a moment to clarify the positive impact on myself and those around me. Notice the rhythm of the breaths. Count the breaths. Bring the attention back to the breath if I find myself distracted. With the next out-breath, let the mind do whatever it wants to do. Then bring the attention back to the body. Make  sure I am remaining aware of the movements.

Day 29

It may seem repetitious, but this is the foundation for more easily accomplishing meditation. With the next out-breath, close the eyes and realize the senses around me. Scan down and become more aware of how the body feels while scanning down. Identify why I'm doing this exercise to have a positive effect for myself and those around me. 

Day 30

M said to just be aware and integrating meditation into my daily life with a calm and patient, not reactive, mind. Take deep breaths and close the eyes. Noticing weight of the body, settle into the space around you. Detect any sounds and becoming more aware of how the body feels. Not thinking, just noticing. Motivation is for myself and those around me. Count the breaths as they pass each time. At the next out breath, let the mind do whatever it wants to do. Bring the attention back to the body, feet on the floor, just recognizing the senses. Congratulations, M said, but this is only the beginning. 

The end of the journal and my thoughts here:

Sure, it's repetitious, but that's what training is all about. My motto was, give the class a heads up by telling them what they're going to learn, teach it, and wrap up by telling them what they learned in the session. I haven't had anxiety or frustration in the past 30 days, and when it comes to depression (which I don't have anymore after 8 years, decreasing slowly every year), Headspace will probably make a difference, too, if you follow all the words that M says exactly. 

The Basics are a small part of what Headspace offers. There are the many sessions, for example on stress, sleep, health, confidence, self esteem, and happiness, and more--even emergency sessions if you find that you're losing your grip with reality or just angry enough to start throwing anything that's handy. Can you tell I'm a fan of Headspace? Indeed, I am!  

Headspace is worth it, for its calming and relaxing effect which I need. Politics aside (or including), my hunch is that you need it, too, for this crazy world in which we are living. 

As Headspace says, "Live a healthier, happier, more well-rested life with Headspace." Who wouldn't want that!