Caregivers Are Suffering; Stroke Survivors Are Suffering: Who Has It Worse?

The former editor-in-chief of the Philadelphia Daily News was Gil Spencer who said, when I was hired as a columnist, that the only reason writers should write is to be read, whether it's positive or negative to their readers' beliefs. Those words are indelibly inscribed in my brain forever. And I was reminded of them again in this post on Facebook.

On January 17, at 8:07pm, I wrote this in Facebook to the group called "Stroke Caregivers." My words set off a firestorm of anger, confusion, and profanity, all of which are ok.

One person wrote, "GFYS," an acronym I didn't know. So I goggled it, and I found out. (Between you and me, I think GFYS is silly because our anatomies aren't built that way. How can you fuck yourself?) Anyway, read the comments. Some agreed with me. But I removed the names of those who didn't because I don't want bogus lawsuits, (bad spelling and grammar aside), and I deleted more because of repetition. But I left my name in when the response was needed. After you read them, I'll have thoughts of my own.

I wrote, "As a stroke survivor, and from all that I've read in your posts, we BOTH have it tough. But really, you can still dance. Get what I'm saying?"

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Hmm... I usually don't respond to these kinds of posts; but this 'keeping track' of who has it harder has no benefit. I would never say my husband who had a massive stroke that left him paralyzed on his right side, without 40% of his sight, and plagued with severe cases of aphasia and apraxia that leaves him unable to use any expressive speech has it 'better' than me. No more than I would say my daughter with Down syndrome is luckier than me; however, to dismiss the struggles, pain, fear, and responsibilities a caregiver has is hurtful. Can I dance?... Yes, when my body isn't so riddled with pain from caring for my family or when I am not sick from the stress. This talk does no one good. I wouldn't be anywhere than by my husband's side and I am 100% sure he would be by my side if the tables were turned. I am sorry you had a stroke- I wish you didn't. Please be kind to those of us who love and support our survivors.

January 17 at 8:24pm

Sure -- I can dance. When I might actually have five minutes of someone else taking care of my husband - or when I"m not overwhelmed by fear and anxiety from everything that his strokes have changed. His strokes affected me in every single way -- just differently than him. We are all working through these struggles together -- survivors and caregivers.

January 17 at 9:01pm

We heard you loud and clear. Get what I'm saying?

January 17 at 11:50pm

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January 18 at 12:25am

I thought that this group was for caregivers where we can vent freely. And no my husband and I can no longer dance. Ballroom dancing was once our favorite activity.

January 18 at 1:11am

I thought only caregivers were allowed as well. Is there vetting that happens when someone wants to join? Admin?

January 18 at 1:39am

Yes...It is true that I can still dance....but for me...where is the joy of the dance when the only person I want to dance with can not join me :(

January 18 at 6:55am

Wow! Some days I wonder which one of us is worse off!

January 18 at 9:15am

I just reread the informational post by Admin and it does say that Survivors are welcome but that if they are offended by what they read here, other sites may be more appropriate for them.

I think that makes it a little more uncomfortable for us when sharing our honest feelings and try to keep in mind there are Survivors here. 😕

January 18 at 9:56am

 

Well that is one of the hard things about care giving, don't you your self be sick, feel bad, Overwhelmed, Exhausted, Depressed your self, Dead even though you are Alive, the Survivors make it ALL about them, sometimes a little self centered. If no one likes what they see on here don't come on! Just like my self centered husband gets on his sites see something that upsets him and takes it out on Everyone else I tell him STOP READING IT!! I can tell you one thing about care giving after So long and So much of it. You become hard sometimes because you get so Sick and Dam tired!

January 18 at 1:43pm

I can agree to what your saying. My husband has managed to become so manipulitave that is down right scary

January 19 at 9:09

It's not a contest about who has it harder. It's a completely different set of challenges for both. Trying to compare apples and oranges isn't going to help any.

January 18 at 4:21pm

Joyce Hoffman Yes, but it proves my point.
January 25 at 9:25

No it doesn't prove your point at all. It proves that your point is pointless.

January 25 at 10:01am

I'm sorry, what was your point exactly? I'm not trying to be rude, I want to understand what you're saying. Speaking as a third party, I'm watching what my dad's strokes are doing to him, both physically and mentally, and I'm watching what the effects his strokes are having on my mom. I realize that all strokes are different, and that some are not as affected by their strokes as others, who may be extremely incapacitated. My dad isn't as badly affected physically as he could have been, which I'm grateful for. But as his caregiver, my mom is having to deal with a very difficult set of challenges, and it's very hard on her, both physically and emotionally. Please don't say that it's harder on one group than the other. It's not fair to either.

January 25 at 10:15am

I usually just read posts here, and don't comment.

I am so sorry you suffer from a stroke.
But, feel you're out of line here.
Yes, our loved ones are suffering ....
They have no choice in that.
Caregivers CHOOSE to stay.
Choose to give all that they have
to care for, often unappreciated, and sometimes downright abusive, loved ones. Oh, and self-centered loved ones.

Liiike .. coming to a site for Caregivers to be about themselves for five goddamnit minutes of the day, and trying to throw guilt on them

January 25 at 6:44am

Joyce Hoffman You are unhappy as a caregiver? So then why do you do it?

January 25 at 9:27am

She never said unhappy...

February 6 at 4:05pm

Well, that posted before I could make corrections.
I'm sorry..
I should have kept quiet.

January 25 at 6:48am

What cha sorry about? It's the truth. We as caregivers have no clue what the future holds for us when our loved ones come home from the hospital. Not everybody has a positive experience. Hugs and prayers for you and your doing more good than you realize

January 25 at 8:14am

Yes caregivers can dance...but with who? Its a tough life altogether!

January 25 at 8:04am

Joyce Hoffman Maybe I should have said peel potatoes.

January 25 at 9:28am

husband has No movement on left side and cannot get himself up , gets tired and needs help eating ,sooo , After changing all day , bathing , feeding (food has to be blended) , medication ( has to be through g-tube),breathing treatments , brushing teeth , moving every so often, washing ( use a lot of wash clothes and towels and sheets , mopping to keep sanitary and fresh , I think I would rather collapse into bed........and I also take my mom and dad to appointments and cook and clean and look after them and I have a 13 year old ...

February 6 at 4:21pm

 

I have seen this happen z few times on this site, so much so I don't feel I can post about how I'm feeling, that's why I started another group for Partners of stroke survivors where we can feel free to say how we are feeling ask what we may think are silly questions without being judged, I won't post the name of the group but if you would kind to join please send me a personal message with friend request xx

January 25 at 8:18am

Joyce Hoffman Why does someone "caregive" when there are options? Caregiving is only for special people who don't complain about it to other people.

Like · Reply · January 25 at 9:31am

 

Yeh..
GFYS

January 25 at 9:47am

So Joyce what are the other options you are talking about?

January 25 at 12:18pm

I'm"caregiver" to my 30 Yr old daughter

January 25 at 9:34am

If by dance you mean be happy or at least content I say yes! It takes time and for me a relationship w God.

Take it one day at a time. I cried many days and nights but it be came less and less.
I try to find good in lil thing.
Best wishes too you.

February 4 at 9:00am

Yes dance, dance, dance. It's great exercise in any form. I do it with my husband who is in bed and asked him to shake his shoulders because he was getting contracted and I like to see him smile. Dancing is for the soul and everyone should do it whenever they can. Express yourself even if it's a sad dance.

February 4 at 6:28pm
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My post was in a metaphorical context. "You can still dance" shouldn't be taken literally. Some people in this group did. With my right side affected, I could have said lots of other things, like "You can still play the piano" or "You can still clap" or "You can still play golf."

Some pleaded for the Admin to step in and say something. Huh? If Facebook is a populist tool, why?

In response to that person who gave the first reply, don't bet on your spouse if the tables are turned. You may think that, but everybody processes caregiving differently. For example, my partner of 17 years couldn't take it 12 years into the relationship when I had a stroke, and rather than wait for him just to come out and say I should leave, I ultimately left to go to another city, with a driver and me traveling through a snowstorm with icy roads. All the inferences were there, like telling me about the woman a long time ago, a cancer patient, who lived in their house and all the resentment he had by losing his space, or imploring me to watch the movie Amour about two octogenarians where the wife had a stroke and the husband, who was the caregiver, contributed to her demise. I am happy without him. I think he is happy without me. I haven't talked to him in years. But I did him a favor. I don't like to see anybody struggling.

I wasn't keeping a scorecard of who had it worse. But just to be clear, the stroke survivor wins in that category. Some have lost their jobs, their pastimes. Some suffer from uncontrollable spasms, deep depression, mood swings. Strokes are a bitch. 

Mark Twain, amid conjecture, is often given credit this quote: You can be sure of two things in life: death and taxes. (Ugh. I know about the latter). But relating to the former, until you do die, there are options to any situation in terms of caring for a stroke patient. Listen up, caregivers. Take a break by having somebody--a neighbor, a family member--do the caring for a bit. Google your options of alternative places where the stroke patient could go for care permanently. You might be surprised at what you could find. But by no means, don't caregive and resent it. Don't play the victim role. Even though stroke survivors' brains were affected, they know. Trust me. They know.

Plus, caregivers can still dance. That's the bottom line, isn't it?