To Boldly Go Where No Insect Has Gone Before: Fuckin’ Fungus Gnats

The first part of the title is self-explanatory, but the altered line from one of the most extraordinary shows, Star Trek, requires some explanation. So keep reading. Once you're done, you'll understand. Now, on with the story.

I had a stroke. No revelations there. And as such, I cannot get out whenever I feel like it to buy things, more specifically plants. So I ordered live plants from Amazon, and that's when it started--tiny, annoying, fuckin' (yes, the profanity is necessary) fungus gnats. First, some background. 

The adult fungus gnat can lay about three hundred eggs in its short lifespan, about two weeks, unless you're lucky enough to smash one. (PETA people, forget it. Even you would find them annoying). Eggs are laid in fertile, moist soil at the base of plants and turn into larvae, rapidly increasing in size as they munch through organic matter in soil.

If you overwater the plants, too much wetness will propel the development of fungus gnats and the roots will begin to rot, making the ideal meal that fungus gnats love. In addition, you might find the fungus gnats enjoying the plants themselves if there's not any organic matter (dead, decomposed worms, for example) left. 

A root drench with one part hydrogen peroxide and four parts water (you have to wait until the mixture runs all the way through the plant and out the drainage hole) is best rather than spraying the plants with insecticide because it rids the problem. You'll have to put up with the gnats for two weeks longer if they've already hatched.

Two weeks ago, there was an infestation before I read about the hydrogen peroxide mixture. So the African Violets and the poinsettia plants, which are very susceptible to fungus gnat damage, didn't succeed. But so far, the other plants came through the process.

And now, To Boldly Go Where No Insect Has Gone Before, will be revealed. 

I have sinusitis and use a nasal rinse (which is disgusting in itself and I lock the door by habit, even if I'm alone, to not let anybody observe), and at the start of the infestation, I noticed fungus gnats were coming out of my nose in hordes. The more I used the rinse, the more I saw the fungus gnats emerge, nasally speaking. Unbeknownst to me, and definitely the fungus gnats, I was inhaling the gnats (I'm going to get dramatic here) with every breath I took. 

So for a week thereafter, I wore a surgical mask 24/7 to keep the fungus gnats from being sucked up into my nose. But I have a few more orifices, like my ears and eyes, for example, and I used appropriate rinses in them, too. 

Takeaways? Don't buy live plants live plants from Amazon and definitely don't buy live plants from a greenhouse in the fall or winter when the fungus gnats are more plentiful, burying their fragile eggs in the moist soil to keep them warm and thriving. 

But Andy and Laura, my son and his girlfriend, bought me a Venus Fly Trap for the remaining gnats, that really does what it says. Look carefully. The picture says it all.